For the second time this year, the same sage advice has come to me. The first time was from Jordan Peterson 8th rule for life- Tell the truth, or at least don’t lie.
Now the same message comes to me from Peter Block’s seminal work “Flawless Consulting” written in 1981. “. . the most powerful thing you can do to have the leverage you are looking for and build client commitment,” “is to put into words what you are experiencing with the client as you work.” This is his definition of what “authenticity” means. It’s a combination of truth and assertiveness.
This kind of behavior is like a relationship antiseptic. It keeps unhealthy dynamics from growing and makes a place for health to flourish. Simply put, in a tactful way, you call people on their manipulations or unproductive behaviors right away. Otherwise allowing such treatment sets the stage for how the relationship will continue, for better or worse.
People will try to minimize you, force you into doing things you would not do otherwise, waste time with erroneous detail, or various other power plays or unproductive behaviors. I think in most cases they are not being mean or particularly evil, they are just being human. They are trying to protect themselves, to not be hurt or conned themselves.
The funny thing is, when you tactfully call them on it, they more often than not will trust and respect you. Like the bully in grade school who becomes your friend when you stand up to them and fight. Or, the significant other who finds you attractive when you see through and call out their manipulation also known as passing the “shit test.”
One of my highest aspirations since my youth is to be good at calling out manipulations, lies, and unproductive thinking in the moment. I’m still not good at it. This attraction sparked my interest in the informal fallacies i.e ad hominem attacks, strawman arguments, appeal to power and so on, logic and critical thinking, and ultimately led me into Organizational Effectiveness as a career.
My innate desire to vanquish dysfunctional manipulation changed the course of my life when it led me into a debate class and the study of forensics in 1990-91. Unfortunately dabate was already corrupted (to me) with “winning” being the pupose vs championing truth. It was a training ground for lawyers and verbal bullies primarily, yet there was still a corner of the dicipline where seeking truth thrived, which led me to Socrates and Kant and many other philosophers. Today I find Jordan Peterson in this camp, fighting for truth not power.
So as part of my 365 Commitment I think I will re-commit to becoming more adept at speaking truth in the moment and putting into words what I am experiencing with those whom I interact with. This may lead to conflict, not my goal, but also a pitfal to avoid in most cases. My goal is to make things better and do my part to ensure health and light in relationships. Truth makes things better because it helps us accurately (as possible) map reality.
Ben Wagner (205)
Member The 365 Commitment
