I’ve had a couple epiphanies regarding “growing myself up.” The first I can describe as simply “doing what it takes.” The immature part of me wants things to be done, to be completed, to work out through an amount of effort that I want to give. The immature part of me does not necessarily want things to be easy, it just wants the world to conform and be transformed by the level of effort and ideas that appeal to it (me). When reality does not conform, it (my immature self) feels a sense of injustice – I’ll speak to that in a moment.
The point is, reaching goals and making things better – often requires my efforts to exceed (sometimes way beyond) what I feel like doing. Here is a simple mundane example. I have some sprinklers around my yard. They have problems. I want them to work right, but fixing old sprinklers is not that easy. So, I’ve put in efforts here and there over time – actually a lot of effort – BUT, there are still issues: dead spots due to poor coverage, leaks from cracks in pipes, clogged tips, and so on. I want them to work NOW, sort of like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka wanted a Bean Feast NOW! The truth is the sprinklers don’t care what I want, they are not going to conform and work correctly based on the amount of work or expense I want to give. No. Correctly working sprinklers means “doing what it takes” fixing each issue properly and completely, on sprinkler or fitting at a time. It requires me conforming to reality.
The same is true for my relationships with others. People aren’t going to understand me, or work cohesively with me based on what I want to give; no, it takes much more – and that is a big part of maturity, figuring out what it takes to succeed and then putting in the effort, work, and thought required.
That same immature voice in my mind that wants the world to conform to me, also feels the sting of injustice. Sometimes rightly so! The world is unjust. And, coping with injustice without throwing a tantrum is maturity. Reality does not care if I am right. Being “right” does not change the situation. I’m reminded of the line in the movie “Unforgiven.” Gene Hackman plays the sheriff, arguably a good guy, who throughout the movie is trying to make things better. In the final scene, William Money (Clint Eastwwood), a very bad dude who ironically is on a rampage avenging what he feels is an injustice, points his gun at the stricken sheriff lying on the floor. The sheriff says, “I don’t deserve to die.” William Money replies, “deserves got nuthin’ to do with it” and proceeds to kill him.
So, I have two tasks. 1.) allow that immature voice in my mind, that part of me that wants reality to change based on effort it wants to give, to be built over with a mature engagement with reality. Over my immature self a place a mature man must grow, knowing that goals take what they take, and be willing to go there for the good. 2) Let go of being, in the vernacular, “butt-hurt” over injustices, and instead bear them and forgive them like a mature man. Like Christ. I must burn off that part of myself that expects to be treated fairly. Time spent in an emotional state of feeling wronged is a stupid, vulnerable, and dangerous place to be. It leads to justification of bad behavior, it breeds resentment; it’s an expectation that the world should pick me up and make the boo boo better – well that is not going to happen, that is an immature expectation. Let that expectation die, and instead keep moving stoically toward the good in spite of the injustice. Do what it takes.
These are not easy things to let burn off. It feels like I am burning off “me” and I have fear of having nothing left of me. But, that is normal, and is likely a part of growing up. Perhaps they are not burning off just burning back making room for new growth.
Ben Wagner (255)
Member The365Commitment
