A few days ago I had an employee quit. We are all under pressure to get a few features to market and I had to restructure the team in order to focus people on the most important elements. Naturally when you do this and more scrutiny is applied, there are people who either do not understand or do not like the changes. At any rate one of the employees decided to quit and focus on another opportunity. I do not mind that at all, in fact, I think there is honor in deciding something is not working for you and making a decision to focus on something else. Oftentimes people will try to do multiple things at once and as a consequence they are constantly divided and struggling on being their best at one or the other. So resigning and deciding to focus on one thing, I believe is a good thing.
However, as is sometimes the case, some people choose to use their last few moments with the company to send some parting shots, usually aimed at their leadership to express their dissatisfaction with the job and why they decided to pick something else instead. Inevitably, these parting shots turn negative, are usually filled with sarcasm and tend to be highly passive aggressive. Admittedly, I think I might have done this once when I was younger as well, so I cannot really criticize too harshly. However, this did give me an opportunity to reflect as to why people choose to do this and more importantly what would the best response be?
I determined the following are the primary reasons people send out the parting shot email and the psychology going on behind them.
1. The “Last Word” Instinct (Restoring a Sense of Power)
When someone resigns, especially if the experience was difficult, they often feel powerless or unheard. A final jab can create a brief illusion of regaining control.
People are wired to avoid ending narratives in a place where they feel small or defeated. A barb serves as a symbolic reclaiming of status. It’s less about hurting the other person and more about not wanting to feel like they’re walking away as the “loser” in the story.
2. Cognitive Dissonance Reduction
Leaving a company often creates psychological discomfort, especially if the individual feels they didn’t accomplish what they hoped, weren’t recognized, or struggled.
To resolve this dissonance, the mind looks for an explanation that protects the ego: “I’m not the problem, the company/manager/people are.”
A parting shot lets them externalize blame, making the exit emotionally easier to justify. This is self-protection masquerading as bold honesty.
3. Delayed Courage (Safety in Exit)
Many people suppress grievances while employed because of consequences. Once they are leaving, the risk drops to zero, and suppressed feelings look for a release.
But because open confrontation is uncomfortable, it comes out in a passive-aggressive form, not a constructive one. This is called “disinhibition through exit.” Psychologically: “Now I can finally say what I wanted, kind of.”
4. Identity Preservation
When work conflicts or disappointments damage one’s self-concept, a parting jab helps protect identity: “I’m skilled, the environment was bad.”
or “I’m committed, others were dysfunctional.” The barb helps them leave with a coherent and flattering internal narrative, even if inaccurate.
5. Emotional Leakage
Humans often try to be rational during transitions, but emotion usually finds a way out. In high-stress exits, emotions like resentment, embarrassment, or shame spill out, often sideways.
Passive aggression is a “safe” expression of anger they didn’t feel free to express earlier, disappointment, the grief of leaving, worry about their future identity. This isn’t calculated; it’s emotional overflow with a disguise.
6. The “Door Slam” Phenomenon
Similar to relationship psychology, some people struggle with ambiguous endings. A parting barb creates a clean emotional cutoff. It distances them. Makes the separation feel justified. Reduces the temptation to reconcile or return. It’s a way of making the goodbye feel final by injecting mild conflict.
7. Desire to Influence the Narrative Left Behind
Some departing employees want to shape how they will be remembered or how the company perceives their departure. A pointed remark can be an attempt to highlight an issue they believe was ignored, sway perception, leave a “message” they were too timid to say earlier. It’s an effort to make an imprint, even if it’s messy.
The Response
So these are the seven reasons that I came up with for why someone might engage in this type of passive aggressive behavior. So the next question became how should I deal with this?
My first reaction was to send back a note and detail point by point why the person was wrong, but then I realized my goal as a leader here is not to “win.” My goal should be to end with dignity, preserve my integrity, leave the door open professionally and show my team what strength looks like because inevitably any response that I send will be shared with others. When a leader responds well, the barb reflects poorly on the leaver, not the leader.
When someone provides a non rational critique, that is really just a cathartic outburst tell you there is a lot of emotion behind the communication and therefore the best response is not an emotional one. Let the person carry their own emotions, there is no need for me to pick them up.
You should definitely not respond line by line, correct facts, express any emotion like anger, comment on the behavior, or try to teach anything.
I definitely should learn from the experience however. What caused the person to act the way they did? What was causing them to feel they needed to rebalance a narrative in which they felt so unappreciated or perhaps inadequate? Should I have realized this was going on a lot sooner? Great questions to ponder anytime something like this occurs.
The Best Response
Acknowledge briefly. Thank them for their time with the company. Wish them well in their next opportunity. Keep it short, professional, and devoid of emotion.
Do not engage the barbs. Responding to criticism validates it and invites escalation. Silence on the specifics is strength, not weakness.
Reflect privately. Ask yourself what you could have done differently. Not to take blame, but to learn. Leadership is about continuous improvement, not perfection.
Model composure for your team. Your response, or lack thereof, teaches others how to handle conflict with grace. This is the real test of leadership.
Move forward. The person has made their choice. You have work to do. The best response is to focus on the people who are still here, still committed, still building something meaningful.
The parting shot is not about you. It’s about them trying to make sense of their own story. Let them have it. You have better things to do.
