Sometimes, there isn’t a clear reason for feeling down or depressed; sometimes, it’s just part of the human experience. It has come to my attention through some recent study that not everyone experiences periods of melancholy, a listless feeling of undefined expectations that can be discouraging and produce feelings of restlessness, yet isn’t quite depression, but rather a transition phase, perhaps even the beginning of transformation. Some people live life more in the extremes, where emotions are more vibrantly felt than described. Others tend to be more careless and less concerned with the ‘what’ and ‘why.’ I don’t think either way is right or wrong; it just makes sense that some people simply don’t experience this feeling. I do, and it seems to come in cycles. I have learned to accept and deal with it and, typically, will use it as a preparation period for a coming spring.
My own journey with these emotional ebbs and flows led me to a prison psychiatrist, who basically said that my mood cycles, if I even really had any, were temperate and normal at best. Nothing was "wrong" with me; what was wrong was my reaction to these cycles. He then went into a discussion about how most real mental illness exhibits in young adults. After puberty, a young person, about the age of 21 or so, begins to demonstrate or show signs of successful or unsuccessful methods of coping with or dealing with stress, external factors, decision-making, and chemical and other hormonal imbalances. Since I was in my 30s at the time of this discussion, he pointed out that I had developed some pre-conditioning on handling changes to my emotional state and that my reactions, coping skills, and defense mechanisms were what I needed to look at carefully.
So, basically, he said to chill out and get over it, and just accept the fact that you are not going to feel great and awesome every day. Some days are going to be roses, and other days are going to be dandelions. Black clouds will surround you one day, and the silver lining will break through into brilliant sunshine the next. What I needed to do was recognize that, and stop allowing that to set me off course. Rather, make the decision, make the choice to stay on course. To make correct decisions. Recognize that I was feeling bad today and not allow that to derail my life ambitions. Not allow that temporary feeling of angst or stress to destroy what I was working on. So that brings me to the advice that I now follow.
There are going to be many days in the cycles and tides of habit-forming and keeping commitments that just do not work out well. You just don’t feel right; you are grumpy, bummed out, discouraged, or just plain out of sorts. This is normal and happens all the time. In fact, it is probably a very predictable pattern, and you have never actually tracked that pattern to prove it. My advice to myself is to just recognize it. Here is my internal mindset: "Oh, I am feeling like crap today. Everything around me feels dull, my head is foggy, and I do not really want to do anything today. My legs feel like lead, and my shoulders are sagging again." I accept that and recognize that it is happening again. I make no judgment on this. I do not need to judge myself negatively for having this feeling; it just happens. I am not a failure for feeling bad today. I am not going to collapse into despair and get buried under a mound of anxiety.
Instead, I recognize that I am feeling that way, and I find comfort in the fact that sometimes there is no discernible reason why, and that is okay. Allow yourself to simply be in that space, without the added burden of searching for an explanation. This too shall pass, and you are not alone in experiencing these inexplicable shifts. While often nothing to worry about, if these feelings persist, affect daily life, or manifest physically, you should get help. Sometimes, underlying causes like hormonal changes, past trauma, or stress can affect mood without conscious awareness. However, for those moments of unexplained sadness, simple actions like physical activity, listening to music, practicing self-compassion, or spending time outdoors can offer relief and help lift your spirits.
Instead, I recognize that I am feeling that way and then I choose to do my commitments anyway. True, I struggle through them. True, I am not as good at them as I would normally be. I might run slower, I might do a worse job than normal. I may not be at my best. However, I do the best I can. I power through it. I make sure that I do not do anything destructive and stupid. Above all – I DO NOT MAKE ANY IMPORTANT LIFE-CHANGING DECISIONS in this state. Rather, I wait a few days. Usually, I start feeling better. I am back on track and everything is fine. Then I can make a decision to change something, or make an improvement. As I have kept my commitments over the last 297 days, I have noticed that the downward cycles, the low tide, has tended to be farther and farther apart. The low points are less low. My recovery time from the low points is much faster. I do not do destructive things – like eat too much ice cream (kryptonite for me).
So maybe this blog post only applies to me. Perhaps I really do have a mental illness and I am the only one that experiences these temporary setbacks of mood. However, I doubt it. I think we all go through the cycles and tides of our own internal weather. The invitation, then, is not to fight the storm, but to learn how to navigate it, to recognize its passing nature, and to trust that the sun will, inevitably, return.
