I have been in a lot of meetings in my life. Some have been incredibly productive, others have been a complete waste of time. I have noticed something interesting about the difference between the two. The productive meetings almost always involved someone getting uncomfortable. Sometimes that person was me.
We have developed a strange expectation in our professional lives that meetings should be pleasant experiences. Everyone should get along, everyone should feel heard, and nobody should leave feeling upset. We have become so concerned about making people uncomfortable that we have forgotten the entire reason we bring human beings together in the first place.
We have meetings to resolve conflict.
Think about that for a moment. If everyone agreed on everything, understood all the facts, had the same priorities, and knew exactly what needed to happen, why would we need a meeting? We could simply exchange a few messages and get back to work. The very existence of a meeting suggests that something needs to be discussed, debated, decided, or resolved. That process is not always going to be comfortable.
I think we have confused being respectful with being agreeable. They are not the same thing. I can respect someone tremendously and still tell them that I think their idea is terrible. I can genuinely care about someone and still confront them about a responsibility they have failed to fulfill. I can listen carefully to another person’s perspective and still refuse to accept their conclusion.
In fact, I would argue that avoiding these conversations is often the greater act of disrespect. When we refuse to challenge someone because we are afraid of how they might react, we deny them the opportunity to improve. We also deny ourselves the benefit of discovering that perhaps we are the ones who are wrong.
That last part is important.
Getting uncomfortable is not just something we should be willing to impose on others. It is something we should actively invite for ourselves. I want people around me who will challenge my assumptions, question my conclusions, and tell me when I am making a mistake. I may not enjoy hearing it. I might even get a little defensive. However, my emotional reaction does not determine whether their criticism has merit.
There is, of course, a difference between productive discomfort and simply being a jerk. Humiliating someone, attacking their character, or raising your voice to establish dominance does not make a meeting more effective. It usually accomplishes the opposite. The objective is not to win an argument or demonstrate intellectual superiority. The objective is to solve a problem, and sometimes that requires saying things that neither party particularly wants to hear.
I wonder how many organizations are struggling with problems that everyone knows exist but nobody is willing to discuss. How many meetings end with polite agreement, only to have the real conversation take place afterward in the hallway? How much time do we waste protecting feelings while allowing unresolved problems to grow?
Perhaps we should change our expectations.
The next time you walk into a meeting, do not measure its success by how comfortable everyone felt when it ended. Measure it by whether something important was confronted, understood, and resolved.
And if you find yourself getting uncomfortable, consider the possibility that something valuable is finally happening.
Get uncomfortable. It might be the most productive thing you do today.
