In thinking about habits of mind that can help, I remembered a good one today. It’s called “manage your stories.”
When data comes in we tend to tell ourselves a story about it. For example, have you ever been on the freeway and someone tries passing you on the right shoulder and tries to cut in front of you?! It’s happened to me, and I’ve told myself a story about that person. I’ve thought – this person is an idiot! They have no respect! They don’t know how to drive and their parents didn’t raise them right!
Are these stories true? Who knows? But, one thing is for sure, these stories get my emotions into a boil. They drive me to do unkind things like not let the person into my lane. My mind is filled with negative emotion and I’m sure that my body is reacting with fight or flight kinds of metabolic responses. There is also a danger in believing bad things about others that are just not true. Not a good habit by any means.
Separating our stories from fact is a great habit to cultivate. Facts are things we see and hear, stories are the judgments we frame the facts in. What other stories might I tell myself about the errant freeway driver? I could tell myself “Someone is off their meds today” or, “someone is late for work and afraid of getting fired”, or “someone is going through a personal crisis or has to get to a hospital.” How do these stories impact my feelings and mood? Totally different! My reaction to these stories around the same facts span from wry humor to genuine concern to empathy. My experience is much different and much better – for me and those around me. THese stories motivate me to let the person merge into my lane.
So, who am I being compassionate to when I manage my stories? The errant driver? Maybe. But, perhaps of greater importance is my compassion towards myself. By managing my stories I avoid having to go through unpleasant emotions that harm me!
“Assume best intentions” was a saying at a former company I worked at. This is exactly the same as “manage your stories.” What are the negative stories you are telling yourself? What are you seeing and hearing (facts) that could just as easily be seen as positive instead of negative? Who is telling you negative stories? Are they manipulating your emotions?
Rationality is great, I think it’s really cool. I always been interested in logic and informal fallacies and debate and critical thinking and philosophy and so on. Unfortunately, I’ve come to understand we are not rational creatures. We can be influenced by rationality if we are well educated. However, our standard mode of operating is to interpret the world through stories that we tell ourselves. So, consider incorporating the habit of mind to assume best intentions in others. Separate fact from story and tell yourself a positive or humorous story, not to be Pollyanna or naïve; but, to improve your life experience. The habit of mind of telling yourself negative stories hurts us way more than the person we tell them about. Especially, when it turns out we were wrong. That guy trying to cut in on the freeway? He was not an idiot or raised wrong, he was just trying to get to the hospital because his wife was in labor.
Ben Wagner (36)
Member 365 Commitment
