I came across an article today by Susan Emerson talking about the difficulties of being a new mother. This can be an incredibly trying time for a young woman who is suddenly put in a situation where coping skills are highly valuable. The premise of this article is that it is wrong to believe people either have this skill or do not; that it is a trait. So to say, I just do not have the ability to cope, or I just cannot handle this, is incorrect.
When we had our first child, I was an absentee dad. I did not intend to be that way. I truly wanted to be part of the whole experience, but I naturally felt the best thing that I could do was to provide for everything that was needed. I worked harder, took on more work, and focused on bringing in more. Consequently, I got stressed out and overwhelmed, and the times I was around and available, I was mentally exhausted. I did not know or understand how taxing it was for my wife at the time to be dealing with a new baby all day long. She had yet to build her portfolio of resilience.
Years later, we would have our third child. This time I was around a lot more. I had learned my lesson that my presence was more meaningful than the extra income. Helping out meant much more than changing a diaper now and then. So I did better, but what changed is that my wife was far more resilient this time. She had built a lifetime of strengths and tools she could utilize both within herself and externally where she needed it. I was a better help, true, but my wife was far stronger than she was when we had our first child.
So this article rang true to me, because I have seen this concept manifest in my own life and the significant magnification of resilience my wife was able to demonstrate over the course of a decade raising our children into their teen years. Indeed, the correct way to look at this is not that coping is a trait that you have or do not have; rather, it is something you build over time. So the analogy of a portfolio is a good one; you have a body of work over time that shapes your ability to handle tough circumstances.
This is hard for a young woman to see when she is dealing with a crying infant that is clinging to her all day and the vitality of another human being completely dependent on her making competent decisions while also being sleep-deprived and most likely malnourished because just finding time to eat is a monumental effort. She stares in awe as her mother or grandmother swoops in and handles this baby with the ease of a wise shepherd in the fields with an errant lamb. If she could only rewind time and see her own mother collapsed, weeping on the kitchen floor because the baby finally fell asleep and she now had enough time to just cry.
This is a powerful concept to remember because it applies to much more than motherhood, even though that is probably the best example. We all need to build a repertoire of resilience over time that can serve us in our many capacities in life. A first-time startup founder could feel almost like a first-time mother, trying to get a new company off the ground and survive on its own. So if you are struggling, really struggling, and you are not coping well at all, keep this in mind. If this is new for you, the struggle is absolutely real. Nobody denies that; just remember that your resilience is a portfolio that you build over time. No one starts out being automatically resilient.
