We are all rock stars in our own minds. We have conjured up a fictitious group of people that are ‘out there’ that we refer to as ‘they.’ We believe that a whole host of people are actively thinking about us and our actions. This is not even close to reality. In fact, I would venture that no one is thinking about you at this given moment. Well, maybe your mother. However, that is her job. She is morally obligated to think about you. Now, we will come up in another person’s mind when they want something from you; that is probably common, but generally, there is not an army of people anywhere that remotely care about what you are doing or not doing in your life. This is true for actual celebrities as well. They may have some people thinking about their brand or the idea of who they are, but they also do not have a ‘they’ that is keenly and acutely interested in what they are doing right now. We all, fame or no fame, constantly worry about what ‘they’ think. It’s ironic because chances are the present audience is tiny.
I was in a restaurant yesterday, sitting in a booth. Next to me was a young man clearly having lunch with his mother. I did not hear all of the conversation, but some parts were easy to pick out. I was not eavesdropping, well, not really. He was talking pretty loud and animated, so it was hard not to listen in. The first part of the conversation had much to do with a girl he met. He was excited and relieved to find someone interested in the things he was. He was starting to talk pretty seriously about this relationship, clearly leading toward expressing his newfound love for this mysterious girl. I heard the mom ask something like, ‘Shouldn’t you get a job first?’
So that was funny, so now I was invested in this conversation. I could not hear everything, and Mom was very quiet, and her back turned to me, so I could not pick out everything. However, I could read a lot from body language and the wide-eyed enthusiasm of the young man. We have all been there and seen this drama play out in our lives, so the blanks were easy to fill in. The topic shifted toward the young man’s ideas around making money to support himself and his prospective new love interest. During the conversation, it was easy to understand the meaning behind the mother’s expression. ‘Yeah, but what will ‘they’ think?’
They. Who exactly is they anyway?
Comparing ourselves to someone else is clearly a bad idea. Constantly comparing ourselves to another person is the culprit behind many negative thoughts that plague us. These include but are not limited to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of frustration, and a general strain on your relationships with others. However, comparing yourself to an unknown entity made up of unknown people is a whole new level of damage. Comparing yourself to a single person is normal. It brings in feelings of jealousy, envy, and a myriad of other negative thoughts. However, comparing yourself to a mysterious group out there that you think is paying attention to you is far worse.
Read my blog on Conjuring the ‘They’, here
Sounds crazy, right? Nope. Everyone tends to do this on some level. We worry about what this group we call ‘they’ in our mind will think. Some of us will gain moments of enlightenment, see that this is nonsense, and escape this mentality, but it does come back. Even the best of us humans fall into this trap. So this is normal behavior; what is abnormal is becoming obsessed with this notion and allowing these feelings to take control of your day-to-day actions. I imagine that you could label the extreme form of this type of thinking as narcissism.
It is hard to avoid; we are all humans with a significant self-motivated interest in protecting ourselves from harm. So, we are always going to wonder what other people are going to think. That is healthy in some regard; you certainly should not do something that would cause you to fall out of favor with friends, family, or peer group. You certainly would not want to perform actions that society deems unacceptable unless you are in an act of conscious civil disobedience. So, this natural and selfish view of ourselves is an important mechanism for our ability to coexist with other humans.
However, spending too much time thinking about the ‘they’ gives this imaginary entity more power in your life. Left unchecked, you will be fearful of doing anything. You will end up being a victim of several significant issues. These include:
1. Paranoia and Social Anxiety: Believing that others are constantly evaluating you can foster a sense of paranoia and increase social anxiety. This heightened worry about others’ opinions can be debilitating and significantly interfere with daily functioning.
2. Distorted Perception of Reality: This habit can distort your perception of social interactions and relationships. You might misinterpret neutral or positive interactions as negative, leading to unwarranted feelings of rejection or criticism.
3. Increased Self-Consciousness: Continuously worrying about what others think can lead to excessive self-consciousness. This can make you overly cautious or inhibited in social settings, hindering authentic self-expression and interaction.
4. Impaired Decision-Making: When you’re overly concerned about others’ opinions, you might decide based on what you think will please or impress them rather than what’s truly best for you. This can lead to choices that don’t align with your values or genuine desires.
5. Negative Impact on Mental Health: This kind of comparison and concern about others’ perceptions can contribute to mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. It can create a constant sense of inadequacy and dissatisfaction with oneself.
6. Social Withdrawal: To avoid perceived judgment, you might withdraw from social situations, leading to isolation and loneliness. This can further exacerbate feelings of anxiety and depression.
7. Unrealistic Standards and Expectations: Constantly comparing yourself to a perceived standard set by others can lead you to set unrealistic expectations for yourself. Failing to meet these can result in feelings of failure and inadequacy.
8. Missed Opportunities for Personal Growth: Focusing on what you believe others think of you can prevent you from exploring personal interests and strengths, hindering personal growth and self-discovery.
The bottom line is that most of the time, most people out there could care less what you are doing. Even if you catch their attention for a few moments, the thoughts about you will be fleeting and temporary. They will forget the thing you are so worried about by the end of the day. We remember our own experiences, but we tend to forget the experiences of others. To combat these issues, it’s important to cultivate self-awareness and understand that most people focus more on their own lives than on judging others. Building self-confidence and focusing on your journey can help mitigate the adverse effects of such comparisons. Unless, of course, you are talking to your Mom or God. They are both judging you, I am sure.
