Jordan Peterson, the famous psychologist, talks about a standard guideline in old folks homes. Don’t do anything for somebody that they can do themselves.
This sounds a little harsh, especially if you are an especially compassionate sort. If we look at the outcome though, it is clear that doing so robs them of their dignity, it increases their dependency, and they lose skills and abilities faster than would otherwise be the case. This does not preclude encouragement, or connection. It just means allow people to handle their own problems when they have the ability to do so.
The same hold true for children. If we keep tying our kid’s shoes, they will not learn to tie them for themselves. Same with making beds, doing homework, making money, and waking up in the morning. My Mom always said her job was to raise us so that we did not need her. I think she was absolutely correct. We can fall into the trap of “stealing” other people’s problems. This may make us feel good and useful, but we are not doing those around us any favors. What seems compassionate on its face, is actually a selfish act.
I think the phrase “you got to be cruel to be kind” speaks to this reality.
Maybe you are on the receiving end of this equation. Is someone is doing things for you that you could be be doing yourself? I don’t mean recipricol trade, division of labor, or paying another person for service. I mean, under the guise of compassion, are they infantilizing you? Or, are you infantalizing another? On both sides this is a bad habit, because it reinforces weakness and inability, and creates an unhealthy dependency. Also, the motivation may not really be compassion, but instead fear and insecurity. If I make you dependent on me then you won’t leave. This is ultimately a manipulation of others through guilt and a sort of hobbling of ability. On the receiving end the person might not only become stunted, but may come to expect others to serve them without honest reciprocation; instead develop the skill of exploiting the insecurities of others. Seriously not good.
A good habit is to put on the coach hat, the encourager hat. Of course we can do things for others out of kindness. But, the best thing is to keep them company, encourage them, listen to them whine a bit. And take joy is seeing their confidence and ability grow as a result of them taking on their own problems and either. We are all faced with problems and responsabilities. Facing these and taking them on helps us to grow, and in many ways provides meaning in life.
Compassion is about connection. Sure, sometimes people cannot do for themselves. Certainly it is good to help them in this case. More often the most compassionate thing to do is allow them the dignity of solving their own problems and growing as a result.
Ben Wagner (99)
Member the 365 Commitment
