I have an admission to make that is important for this discussion to make sense. The problem is that conversations with people drain me. Classic introvert problem. When you get into a conversation, you leave feeling drained, like someone took your energy. As a result, you tend to avoid interactions with people, even when you know they are important and necessary.
You simply cannot build a relationship with someone without having conversations with them, and this created a constant dilemma. You absolutely must make time to talk, meet, engage, and interact with the person or people you are trying to build a relationship with. I know this sounds obvious, but for someone like me, it is a mountain I climb almost every day.
Why is this?
I have spent decades wrestling with this problem, and I have figured a few things out. First of all, interacting with people absolutely is an energy transaction. You resist or dread talking to other people because you are anticipating the energy cost of that experience. If, for example, you had to have a difficult conversation with an employee, you would anticipate it being hard. You would know ahead of time that the conversation would be difficult and most likely emotionally challenging. That’s how I view every conversation.
This is to not to say that I do not like people. I do. I enjoy relationships and truly want them; it is just the anticipated energy cost of conversation that is hard. So I tend to avoid it, even though I know avoidance is bad. I am not alone in this. Chances are if you are still reading or listening to this, then you have also experienced this or are dealing with someone like this. So what is a technique to overcome the hesitancy to meet with others due to the angst over having another draining conversation?
When someone is already feeling down, discouraged, or struggling in life, then it gets even worse. They want to hide away because they avoid any potential drain on their mental energy while in preservation mode. So this technique must also consider this challenge. The perceived energy cost has to be significantly reduced so a person will not avoid or dread the pending conversation. How?
Although I have many strategies, the one that has been the most helpful to me is the concept that curiosity is cheap. These conversations drain me because of the energy I put into preparing, thinking about, and then replaying them in my mind. I imagine the version of myself that I have historically brought into professional situations: engaged, articulate, carrying conversations, making people comfortable, generating ideas, building enthusiasm. That version of me is expensive in terms of mental energy.
Curiosity, however, does not require that version of myself. Curiosity requires little preparation. When you’re socially depleted, the expensive part isn’t necessarily being with people. It’s the sense that you have to produce something for them. This is the thinking that gets you into trouble:
I need to be interesting. I need to have something intelligent to say. I need to demonstrate value. I need to keep the conversation moving. I need them to like me.
That’s expensive. You’re simultaneously generating ideas, monitoring their reaction, choosing words, remembering context, managing your presentation, and thinking about what comes next. Curiosity reverses the direction of the energy flow. Instead of producing, you’re receiving.
Asking questions is cheap because it reduces self-monitoring. You move away from internal psycho analysis to thinking about the other person. An added benefit: curiosity shows the other person that your intent is genuine interest, which goes a long way to improving any relationship. Curiosity gives you permission to arrive without bringing the show, and that is good for both sides of the conversation.
So remember, if you are dreading the next conversation, use this simple concept. Performance is expensive; curiosity is cheap.
