I had a conversation recently about getting to know people—really knowing them. It got me thinking: what does it actually take for one person to know another? Not just to be familiar with their job or hobbies, but to truly understand them on a deeper level.
I’ve always believed that trust is foundational to any relationship, and I’ve boiled it down to a simple equation: Trust = Intent + Expertise.
You might be inclined to trust someone if you believe they’re competent, but that’s not enough. True trust forms when you also believe in their intent. In fact, I’d argue intent outweighs expertise. Someone can be the most skilled person in the world, but if you doubt their motives, you’ll never fully trust them. At the same time, without a baseline of expertise, you may not even begin the relationship in the first place.
This equation works well in business—between a vendor and a customer, an investor and a founder—but it breaks down when we talk about deeper, more personal relationships. Whether it’s a marriage, a business partnership, or a close friendship, knowing someone goes far beyond trust.
So how do you actually get to know someone? Really know them?
1. Time and Shared Experience
There are no shortcuts. Knowing someone requires time. It requires shared context—moments of success, failure, joy, boredom, and conflict. You need the quiet times and the storms. Vacations, late-night talks, business struggles, unexpected detours. It’s through these experiences that people reveal who they truly are. You don’t get that over a single phone call or a casual conversation.
2. Understanding Their Why
You can know what someone does, even how they do it. But until you understand why they do it—their fears, motivations, desires, and insecurities—you don’t truly know them. Ask. Listen without judgment. People are usually doing what they’re doing for a reason. It’s their why that drives them.
3. See Them Across Situations
You can’t fully know someone if you’ve only seen them in one context. You have to observe them in different emotional states—under pressure, in celebration, when they’re hurt, when they’re unsure. Everyone shows different sides depending on the situation. If you’ve only seen someone at their best, or only at their worst, you don’t yet have the full picture.
4. Mutual Vulnerability
You can’t expect someone to open up to you if you’re not willing to open up to them. Real relationships require emotional intimacy, and that comes from vulnerability on both sides. Sharing your own concerns, fears, and experiences invites the other person to do the same. Self-disclosure builds trust—and ultimately, connection.
5. Recognizing Contradictions
We’re all walking contradictions. We want one thing but act in ways that don’t align. We strive for integrity but fall short. Truly knowing someone means understanding their hypocrisies—and loving them anyway. You know someone well when you stop expecting them to be perfectly consistent and start appreciating their complexity.
6. Beyond the Ideal
Most of us begin relationships by seeing people as we want them to be. We idealize them. But the moment you see someone clearly—flaws, failures, disappointments—and choose to stay in the relationship anyway, that’s when you begin to truly know them. If they can do the same for you, then that’s a relationship worth keeping.
7. The Language of Silence
Some of the most profound forms of connection don’t require words. Can you be in a room with someone and communicate through a glance, a gesture, a sigh? My wife and I have been married nearly 30 years. We can have entire conversations without speaking. That kind of understanding is the result of years of presence, attention, and love.
So how do you know someone? It’s not a formula. It’s not a checklist. It’s not something you can speed up. It’s a long, patient, sometimes difficult process. It’s the sum total of experiences, of shared vulnerability, of watching someone move through the full spectrum of life and choosing, again and again, to stay connected.
If you’re lucky, you might build this kind of connection with a few people in your lifetime—maybe enough to count on one hand. And if you do, I’d say you’ve lived a successful life.
