Today, I had the privilege of moderating a discussion where several individuals needed to come together to tackle a shared problem. It could have easily turned into a room full of competing opinions, each voice vying for dominance. Instead, I tried something different: I asked the participants to focus on inquiry rather than advocacy. Instead of immediately offering opinions or solutions, I encouraged them to ask “find-out” questions.
The results were transformative. As the participants sought to understand each other, the conversation shifted from debate to dialogue. It wasn’t just about finding a solution; it was about truly listening. In that moment, the group demonstrated a powerful principle I’ve come to rely on in life: seek to understand before you seek to be understood.
The Power of Inquiry Before Advocacy
Over the years, I’ve cultivated a handful of guiding principles for life. One of the most important is this: always seek to understand fully before forming opinions or drawing conclusions. This principle, though simple, is deceptively difficult to apply. In the heat of the moment, when emotions are high or when you feel strongly about something, it’s so tempting to skip the listening and jump straight into defending your point of view.
But when you pause, when you take a step back and lean into curiosity instead of certainty, something shifts. Inquiry creates space—space for understanding, for connection, and often for solutions that were previously out of reach.
The challenge lies in remembering to do this, especially when emotions are running high. That’s why I’ve found it helpful to have some strategies in my back pocket—tools to ensure I stay grounded in inquiry, even when it’s not my first instinct.
Strategies for Practicing Inquiry
1. Change the Way You Frame Statements
One of the simplest ways to lean into inquiry is by transforming your statements into questions. Instead of saying, “I think the best approach is X,” consider asking, “What are we trying to solve for, and how does X help us get there?” This subtle shift invites others into the conversation and opens the door to collaboration.
Here are some examples of turning closed statements into open ones:
- Instead of: “This won’t work because we don’t have enough time.”Ask: “What would it take to make this work within our time constraints?”
- Instead of: “We should focus on fixing the budget.”Ask: “What factors are influencing the budget, and which of those do we have the most control over?”
- Instead of: “I don’t think that’s the right solution.”Ask: “What do we know about this solution, and what are its potential blind spots?”
Open-ended questions like these don’t just invite conversation; they encourage deeper thinking. They push everyone to look beyond their assumptions and explore possibilities together.
2. Use Reflective and Exploratory Questions
Another powerful strategy is to encourage open reflection through exploratory questions. One of my favorites is to start with “What if…” because it invites creativity and removes constraints.
For example:
- Instead of asking: “Why didn’t this work?”Try: “What if we had unlimited resources—what would we do differently?”
- Instead of saying: “This solution isn’t feasible.”Ask: “What if we approached this problem from a completely different angle?”
- Instead of leading with: “Here’s what I think you should do,”Explore: “What if you had a magic wand to solve this problem—what would the outcome look like?”
These kinds of questions unlock creativity, reduce defensiveness, and shift the focus from what’s wrong to what’s possible. They help people think bigger and often lead to solutions that weren’t obvious at first.
Why Inquiry Matters
At its core, inquiry is about demonstrating good intent. When you genuinely seek to understand someone’s perspective, you show them that their voice matters. And isn’t that what we all want? To feel heard, valued, and understood?
Inquiry isn’t just a tool for solving problems—it’s a building block for trust, connection, and success. It’s a way of saying, “I care enough to listen before I speak.”
When you leave someone with the feeling that you’ve truly listened to them, you create a lasting impression. It’s a small act of generosity that can have a ripple effect far beyond the conversation itself.
Final Thoughts
Inquiry before advocacy isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it. It requires patience, humility, and a willingness to set aside your own agenda in favor of understanding someone else’s. But the payoff is immense: stronger relationships, better solutions, and a sense of mutual respect that leaves everyone feeling heard.
So the next time you find yourself in a discussion—whether it’s at work, at home, or even with a stranger—pause for a moment. Ask a question. Seek to understand. Because in doing so, you open the door to a conversation that’s not just about solving a problem, but about building something much greater: trust.
